Hospital Gowns: Overdue For Redesign?

About a week ago I had the luxury of spending some time in a radiologist’s office. I was there to get my spine and elbow x-rayed to verify I hadn’t fractured anything in the ridiculous accident that took place a couple weeks ago.

When I was called back to get x-rays, the technician handed me two gowns and said “Here’s two. You can wear one front and one back for full coverage.” Let me take this time to clarify something: Despite what the above statement may suggest, I am not a fatass. In fact, I consider myself to be in pretty decent shape… I’m about 6′0 and 170lbs - far from heavy. Surely I don’t need two hospital gowns to cover myself, right? Well, I wouldn’t… if they didn’t suck.

I put on the first one and attempted to tie it in back. No luck. My right arm doesn’t bend that way in its current state. I doubt that I’m the first injured person to try to use one of these, but even without injury they are a pain in the ass. I’d have better luck tying the back up laying face down on the floor and using my feet.  Utilizing the second gown allowed me to cover most of my backside, although the additional square footage of covering now left me walking around in what appeared to be a deflated circus tent.

What I want to know is, who is responsible for designing these anyways? Why would you create a garment, primarily used by injured or sick patients, that cannot be properly fastened unless you are a contortionist?  Why not use a poncho-like design?  Maybe put Velcro on the back?  Or how about fasteners up-front… where normal people can reach them?

Two Brilliant Ideas

Apparently while eating lunch today my brain was firing on all cylinders and producing some quality ideas.  I think the potential for profit is incredible.

Idea #1: The Ranch Milkshake

Think about this.  Americans love to eat.  They also love to eat while driving.  They also love ranch dressing.  The unfortunate problem with this situation is that it is very difficult to eat ranch dressing while driving, and usually ranch comes on a salad or with some other “healthy” food, which is just unacceptable.  Americans also love milkshakes.  So why not combine the two?  Its simple, and incredibly effective.  I imagine the texture would be closer to that of a Frosty and a regular shake, but that’s nothing an industrial strength schedule 40 straw couldn’t solve.

This idea also offers great expansion possibilities.  Ranch freeze-pops, ranch flavored ice cream, ranch-filled candy bars.  Ranch could be the new caramel!

Idea #2:  The Shit Pillow

Do you get tired when taking a dump?  Do you ever feel like you need a nap while at work, and you have nowhere to escape to?  Why not create a device that would simply package into a briefcase that would provide support in the form of a pillow to your forehead while you crap?  This are numerous methods of doing this.  One method would be one that sits on the legs of the user, another could attach to the stall door in front of them via magnets, and yet another method could be held in place by the toilet seat.  The user would simply lean forward and rest their forhead on the pillow while they crap.   While this idea has limited potential, its an untapped market just full of tired employees dying to sleep while they poo.

My Luck With Ladies

Last night, for the first time in a while, I had the opportunity to go out with a couple of my friends (Logan and Gennaro) to just “hang out”.  After the crazy accident last week, I was looking forward to a relaxing evening.  We were going to go see a band that was playing a free show and follow that up with some food and a couple beers.

Upon arriving at the show, we begin to make our way to the beer tent and look for Logan’s sister.  Approximately 1/3 of the way through the crowd, I feel a tug on the back of my shirt.  I stop and turn, expecting to see someone I know, but am instead looking at a ~35 to 40 year old chick that I have never seen before.

Chick:  (South African accent) I want your shirt.

Me:  (Dumbfounded) What?

Chick:  I want your shirt.  (Pointing at the text on my shirt)  My mother’s maiden name is Bickford, Can I have your shirt?

Me:  I can tell you where to get one…

Chick:  No, I’m on vacation from overseas.  Can I just have yours?

Gennaro:  Dude, she wants your shirt, give it to her.

Logan:  Seriously man, I never have random girls come up to me and ask me to get half naked.

Following some more convincing/peer pressure, I give in.  I take off the shirt (which is kind of painful given my elbow injury, I might add) and hand it to her.

Chick:  Wow, you’ve got quite a body - if I weren’t married for 11 years….

Anyways, so now I’m standing in the middle of a concert in a public area without a shirt.  There are several hundred people there, and one shirtless guy.  Yeah, I was that guy.  Luckily the band, Junkfood, had some shirts for sale.  They were a pretty darn good band I might add.

Later in the evening we head off to Sweetwater Tavern to get some food and drink.  I placed my order at the outside bar, then headed inside to empty my bladder.  On the way out, I came back through the revolving door.  As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed a fairly cute girl, alone, headed toward the door from the other direction.

As luck would have it, this is when the flip flop on my left foot gets stuck under the section of the door behind me.  When that happens, the door immediately jams.  As a result of the sudden jam, I almost walk directly into the section of door right in front of me - only due to my left foot being stuck I trip instead.  Embarassing.  I’m still pretty sore, so it takes me a few moments to fumble my way out of this akward position.  By the time I exit the revolving door of death, the cute girl is giving me this look like “You are clearly too drunk to walk.” 

The True Meaning of “Blind” Faith

I have a hard time believing that there are people this stupid in the world, but on the other hand I’ve seen some pretty ignorant stuff associated with organized religion.  Earlier this year, it was reported that 50 people lost their vision when they were looking for the image of the Virgin Mary in the sun (article here or here).  This is an incredible breakthrough in religious idiocy.  It ranks up there with the religious fanatics of Heaven’s Gate (my favorite) in 1997 or Jonestown in 1978.

What amazes me about this situation (aside from the obvious) is that the articles have no mention of an organized group.  The image of Mary in the sun was merely a rumor that was circulating about the town.  Only a single person claimed to have seen the image, yet 50 people lost their vision by staring at the sun on different occasions.  Local churches even posted signs dispelling the rumor of the image.  One would think that believers would learn their lesson after the first 1, 2, or even 20 people failed to see Mary and ended up in the hospital instead.

Stupid people amaze me.

Brand Loyalty Is Awesome

So, the other day at work I was sitting at my desk finish up some prints for something or other. The office was essentially empty, with the exception of a manager. A manager from the adjacent office walked through, and stopped to make small talk with the other. No less than a minute passed before the conversation turned to a Ford vs. Dodge argument.

Needless to say, these arguments provide me with a high level of amusement. Why? Because they never include any statistical data. They are totally subjective discussions, as they should be. People purchase vehicles based on previous experience, driving impressions, dumb statistics they read on the internet, color, aesthetics, price, and many other factors. If there was a brand that was truly inferior, it wouldn’t last long on the market at all.

What I don’t understand is, what causes brand loyalty? Can owning a product produced by Ford, Chevy, Toyota or Honda make you so blind that several years down the road when the time for a new car approaches you don’t even consider any other products? Can you become so faithful that you take time out of your day to have arguments with people of the opposite “faith” in an attempt to persuade them that you are on the right path? What instills this meaningless passion in people, especially those that use their vehicle as nothing more than an appliance?

Jesus Christ people, waste your time arguing about something else.

Life Is Good

I was on my way to a friend’s house after the July 27th Autocross, flipping through radio stations as I wasn’t from the area. I came across some sort of talk show station and decided to listen for a bit because it was A) Moderately mentally stimulating and B) Not country music. In this program, the host would ask his three or four guests their thoughts regarding somewhat “hot” topics. The first question was on the recent discovery by the U.S. Geological Survey that the Arctic may hold “up to 25 percent of the world’s undiscovered reserves**“, as ridiculous as that may sound. (see article here)

The second question, however, was in relation to the Life Is Good clothing line. The guests/consultants/idiots on this radio show seemed to believe that it was morally wrong to sell clothing with this statement/idea presented on it while the nation is at war, the economy is in a slump, and oil prices are skyrocketing.

Wait… wut?

How in the hell is any of this relevant to life being good? The shirts don’t say “The Nation is in Fantastic Shape”. They say “Life is Good”. Which it is. Even the wost of pessimists (I should know, because I am one) can see that life truly is good, regardless of these other factors. We’re all still here, doing what Americans love to do: Breathe, eat and watch reality television. What could be so bad about that?

** If you don’t see the glaring self-contradiction within this sentence, maybe you should work for the U.S. Geological Survey.

If I Ran My Own Business, There Would Always Be Good Toilet Paper

Yesterday around 1:30pm, I ventured into the office men’s room to evacuate some or all of my multi-thousand calorie lunch (Costco pizza + hot dog + drink for $3.66). Anyways, I step into the room and prepare to dump in the usual fashion, by layering the seat with paper in a futile attempt to establish an impenetrable barrier between the seat and my ass. Nothing strikes me as unusual at this point - I’m not rubbing the toilet tissue against my skin at the moment, only using it as potty disease armor. The bathroom has a distinct, yet common smell. One that is always present when a certain office employee is present at work. It is a delightful mixture of damp, moldy laundry combined with sweaty armpit/buttcrack and Lysol.

So I proceed as usual. About 1/10th of a second into the initial wipe, the shock hit me. Either I had somehow mistakenly tried to wipe my ass with a cheese grater, or we’d switched toilet tissue brands. Unfortunately, the latter was the case. I looked to my right, hoping that through some stroke of luck, there were actually paper towels in the dispenser that I could use for my paperwork instead. None there. Damn. So I was forced to soldier on, using paper that felt as though it were composed of a 50 grit sandpaper and thin cardboard.

I emerged from the bathroom a bruised man. My step was no longer normal, nor was my seating position. My ass actually hurt. I vowed to never use a public toilet again without careful inspection of the paper prior to crapping. Oddly enough, the same bathroom was back to normal, fluffy, wonderful paper today. Odd.

Mark my words… if I ever run a company, there will always be good paper.

5 More Reasons I’m Headed To Hell

So wrong.

Dear SCCA:

Thank you for once again raising the cost to compete in lower level autocross classes. Just as I approach a reasonable STS prep level, you have to go ahead and do this:

Replace Section 14.12.7 (STX/STU) with:

“Non-standard brake rotors may be used provided they are of equal or larger dimensions (diameter and thickness) and made of ferrous material (e.g iron). Aluminum rotor hats are allowed. Cars originally equipped with solid (nonvented) rotors may utilize vented rotors. Cross-drilled and/or slotted brake rotors may be fitted provided all such voids are within the disc area, and comprise no more than 10% of that area.

Brake calipers and mounting brackets may be replaced provided they bolt to the standard locations and the number of pistons is equal to or greater than standard.

Drum brakes may be replaced with disc brakes of a diameter equal to or greater than the inside diameter of the standard drum. Such conversions must be bolted, not welded to the axle/trailing arm/upright.

Changes to backing plates/dust shields/brake lines to accommodate these changes are permitted but may serve
no other purpose.”

(August 2008 Fastrack)

Awesome. Now all the Spec-Honda owners get to go buy off the shelf lightweight aluminum brake calipers, lighter discs, and ditch their rear drum setups. There’s no way that would make the Hondas even more dominant in this class… that would be impossible.

Owners of less competitive cars like myself have the option of A) Do nothing or B) Develop our own parts to utilize these new rules. Sweet, nothing another like item on my list of “Components to engineer because no aftermarket company is dumb enough to make them for worthless cars like mine”.

I think I should really consider finding a new hobby. Oh wait…

5 Reasons I Am Going To Hell

This stuff is really funny. But you know why? Only because people completely over-react. If they weren’t so easily offended I’d have to find something a little bit more politically correct to laugh at.