Why must I be surrounded by computer junkies?

Don’t get me wrong.  I love computers.  They are an incredibly useful tool, primarily because they serve as a nice portal to the Internet, which is one of my favorite places.  Unfortunately, the D.C. Metro area (sometimes referred to as “Silicon Valley East”) seems to be absolutely packed with Internet/computer related businesses.  While this does have its upsides (ludicrous speed Internet connection), it seems to produce an incredible number of nerdy sounding people.  Notice I am hesitant to call people nerdy.  If I were, it would probably be considered a hypocritical statement – as an engineer, it is likely that others would view me as equally nerdy.

My problem arises when I am out with a group of friends… usually car guys.  Five or 10 of us will be at a table getting some dinner and some beers.  Inevitably the conversation turns to work.  Since 7 or 8 out of those 10 people work with computers its a common ground for discussion.  Not only am I left out of the discussion… I can’t even begin to follow it.  Its almost like they thrive off knowing that their terminology is like a completely different language to anyone outside of their profession.  I’m pretty sure (although I have no way of backing this up) that they actually go out of their way to word statements using the most complicated terminology possible.  Let me provide an example conversation:

Guy 1:  Yeah, I just got my new I-Phone.  I jail broke it so I could use it on a 3G network instead of the antiquated WG2.07.

Guy 2:  Hahaha yeah, that 2.07 is so slow.  May as well be surfing RSS feeds with a 386 14.4K.

Guy 1 and Guy 2 Simultaneously:  Hahahahahaha!

Guy 1: Yeah, so after I decoded the PHP lock down, I unlocked the XLR port and loaded on Java 1.72 Alpha so I can monitor the local Ethernet feeds over my RTT connection.

Guy 2:  Impressive

Guy 3: Wow, thats cool.  Some guy at work also figured out how to use one to remote desktop over TCP/IP and reverse IPX someone so their serial data wont transmit until they reset their ASCII Protocol!

Everyone:  Hahahahaha oh my god that’s so funny hahaha!

Parking Lot Creepers

I had the luxury today (December 23rd) of doing my Christmas shopping.  Unfortunately, due to the items I was purchasing, ordering from the Internet was not an option.  Had it been, I would not have set foot in a store this week.  In fact, I would have avoided any area with retail stores as though it were infested with an airborne version of AIDS.

Shopping is an interesting experience when you are:

A) Intolerant of morons

and

B) Intolerant of slow people

Navigating the parking lot of the local Target proved to be a demanding task.  Not physically demanding, but more-so demanding restraint.  Thankfully I posses some, or I would have punched several people in the face.  The first thing I noticed (aside from the packed parking lot that usually sits 75% empty) was the abundance of drivers (women) with vehicles too big for them to handle.  Several drivers, in just the row I happened to park in, had to make at least a 3 point turn to get out of their parking space.  I use the term “at least” because I witnessed one driver make a 5 point turn leaving her spot.  Naturally all of this occurred while I was simply waiting to get by, park, and go inside.

What magnified this problem is:  Parking Lot Creepers.  You know what I mean.  These people have an unholy fear of parking anywhere but the absolute closest spot to the door.  They creep, ever so slowly, up and down the aisles waiting for a car to back out of so that they may take it in some peculiar overly-gratifying move… as if they have just solved cancer.  Sometimes (probably more often than not), they follow shoppers walking away from the store like some weird shadow just to have their spot.  Sometimes I point out that the time spent “creeping” usually exceeds the time spent in the store, but their obtuse sense of priority means they are unable to be reasoned with.

“Real” Christmas Trees Suck

Yeah, I said it. “Real” Christmas trees are stupid. Whoever came up with the idea of cutting down a live Evergreen tree, throwing it on top of your car, squeezing it through your front door, and standing it up in your living room needs to be punched in the face. Seriously.

Take a brief moment to look at the Pros and Cons of a real tree vs. a fake tree:

	Real Tree	Fake Tree
Smells Funny	X
Sheds Needles Everywhere	X
Requires Water	X
Pain In The Ass To Dispose Of	X
Dies	X
Easy to Set Up		X
Available with built-in lights		X

Luckily, my family came to their senses in the past year or two, and we have been using a fake tree.  Unfortunately, we don’t have a high-end model, but its still superior to a real tree in every way imagineable.  My suggestion (which was not recieved well) was to create a “Christmas corner”.  The advantage here is there is no work involved.  It’s simply a corner where you pile all of the presents.  The atmosphere isn’t quite as good as a tree… but I think the fact that it can be implemented with zero effort says a lot.

Impatient in a slow world.

With the year 2009 rapidly approaching I find myself wondering why automated systems move so damn slowly these days.  It has nothing to do with the processing power behind these systems, its the prompting… programmed to move at the speed of the slowest of the slow.  Interacting with these systems proves to be an absolutely infuriating process if you are an individual with an IQ in the triple digits.

Allow me to give you an example.

Next time you call someone’s cell phone and they don’t pickup, you’ll likely get a message similar to this:

“You’ve reached the voice mail of (somebody), I’m unavailable blah blah blah.  Please leave a message after the tone.  When you are finished you may hang up or press 1 for more options.  To leave a call back # press 5″

Sure, its only 10 seconds or so, but holy shit it is annoying as hell.  Sometimes I wish I’d been blessed with even a shred of patience.  This could easily be shortened to:

“You’ve reached my voicemail.  I’m unavailable, leave a message.  Beep.”

Another example:.

Next time you pay for your gas with a credit card, watch the pump.

Insert card.

<card inserted/removed>

<5 second pause>

Credit or Debit

<press credit>

<5 second pause>

Would you like a car wash?  Yes/No

<No I don’t want a fucking car wash!>

<5 second pause>

Would you like a receipt with your transaction? Yes/No

<No, just give me some god damn fuel!>

<5 second pause>

Remove nozzle and select grade to begin fueling.

Seriously, does everything have to move this God damn slowly?  Can we just assume for one minute that the American public is capable of making a decision with 10 seconds to think about their actions?  Perhaps we can add “Quick service” and “I am mentally challenged” options beforehand?

An Option For The Intelligent

Hospital Gowns: Overdue For Redesign?

About a week ago I had the luxury of spending some time in a radiologist’s office. I was there to get my spine and elbow x-rayed to verify I hadn’t fractured anything in the ridiculous accident that took place a couple weeks ago.

When I was called back to get x-rays, the technician handed me two gowns and said “Here’s two. You can wear one front and one back for full coverage.” Let me take this time to clarify something: Despite what the above statement may suggest, I am not a fatass. In fact, I consider myself to be in pretty decent shape… I’m about 6′0 and 170lbs – far from heavy. Surely I don’t need two hospital gowns to cover myself, right? Well, I wouldn’t… if they didn’t suck.

I put on the first one and attempted to tie it in back. No luck. My right arm doesn’t bend that way in its current state. I doubt that I’m the first injured person to try to use one of these, but even without injury they are a pain in the ass. I’d have better luck tying the back up laying face down on the floor and using my feet.  Utilizing the second gown allowed me to cover most of my backside, although the additional square footage of covering now left me walking around in what appeared to be a deflated circus tent.

What I want to know is, who is responsible for designing these anyways? Why would you create a garment, primarily used by injured or sick patients, that cannot be properly fastened unless you are a contortionist?  Why not use a poncho-like design?  Maybe put Velcro on the back?  Or how about fasteners up-front… where normal people can reach them?

Two Brilliant Ideas

Apparently while eating lunch today my brain was firing on all cylinders and producing some quality ideas.  I think the potential for profit is incredible.

Idea #1: The Ranch Milkshake

Think about this.  Americans love to eat.  They also love to eat while driving.  They also love ranch dressing.  The unfortunate problem with this situation is that it is very difficult to eat ranch dressing while driving, and usually ranch comes on a salad or with some other “healthy” food, which is just unacceptable.  Americans also love milkshakes.  So why not combine the two?  Its simple, and incredibly effective.  I imagine the texture would be closer to that of a Frosty and a regular shake, but that’s nothing an industrial strength schedule 40 straw couldn’t solve.

This idea also offers great expansion possibilities.  Ranch freeze-pops, ranch flavored ice cream, ranch-filled candy bars.  Ranch could be the new caramel!

Idea #2:  The Shit Pillow

Do you get tired when taking a dump?  Do you ever feel like you need a nap while at work, and you have nowhere to escape to?  Why not create a device that would simply package into a briefcase that would provide support in the form of a pillow to your forehead while you crap?  This are numerous methods of doing this.  One method would be one that sits on the legs of the user, another could attach to the stall door in front of them via magnets, and yet another method could be held in place by the toilet seat.  The user would simply lean forward and rest their forhead on the pillow while they crap.   While this idea has limited potential, its an untapped market just full of tired employees dying to sleep while they poo.

My Luck With Ladies

Last night, for the first time in a while, I had the opportunity to go out with a couple of my friends (Logan and Gennaro) to just “hang out”.  After the crazy accident last week, I was looking forward to a relaxing evening.  We were going to go see a band that was playing a free show and follow that up with some food and a couple beers.

Upon arriving at the show, we begin to make our way to the beer tent and look for Logan’s sister.  Approximately 1/3 of the way through the crowd, I feel a tug on the back of my shirt.  I stop and turn, expecting to see someone I know, but am instead looking at a ~35 to 40 year old chick that I have never seen before.

Chick:  (South African accent) I want your shirt.

Me:  (Dumbfounded) What?

Chick:  I want your shirt.  (Pointing at the text on my shirt)  My mother’s maiden name is Bickford, Can I have your shirt?

Me:  I can tell you where to get one…

Chick:  No, I’m on vacation from overseas.  Can I just have yours?

Gennaro:  Dude, she wants your shirt, give it to her.

Logan:  Seriously man, I never have random girls come up to me and ask me to get half naked.

Following some more convincing/peer pressure, I give in.  I take off the shirt (which is kind of painful given my elbow injury, I might add) and hand it to her.

Chick:  Wow, you’ve got quite a body – if I weren’t married for 11 years….

Anyways, so now I’m standing in the middle of a concert in a public area without a shirt.  There are several hundred people there, and one shirtless guy.  Yeah, I was that guy.  Luckily the band, Junkfood, had some shirts for sale.  They were a pretty darn good band I might add.

Later in the evening we head off to Sweetwater Tavern to get some food and drink.  I placed my order at the outside bar, then headed inside to empty my bladder.  On the way out, I came back through the revolving door.  As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed a fairly cute girl, alone, headed toward the door from the other direction.

As luck would have it, this is when the flip flop on my left foot gets stuck under the section of the door behind me.  When that happens, the door immediately jams.  As a result of the sudden jam, I almost walk directly into the section of door right in front of me – only due to my left foot being stuck I trip instead.  Embarassing.  I’m still pretty sore, so it takes me a few moments to fumble my way out of this akward position.  By the time I exit the revolving door of death, the cute girl is giving me this look like “You are clearly too drunk to walk.” 

The True Meaning of “Blind” Faith

I have a hard time believing that there are people this stupid in the world, but on the other hand I’ve seen some pretty ignorant stuff associated with organized religion.  Earlier this year, it was reported that 50 people lost their vision when they were looking for the image of the Virgin Mary in the sun (article here or here).  This is an incredible breakthrough in religious idiocy.  It ranks up there with the religious fanatics of Heaven’s Gate (my favorite) in 1997 or Jonestown in 1978.

What amazes me about this situation (aside from the obvious) is that the articles have no mention of an organized group.  The image of Mary in the sun was merely a rumor that was circulating about the town.  Only a single person claimed to have seen the image, yet 50 people lost their vision by staring at the sun on different occasions.  Local churches even posted signs dispelling the rumor of the image.  One would think that believers would learn their lesson after the first 1, 2, or even 20 people failed to see Mary and ended up in the hospital instead.

Stupid people amaze me.

Brand Loyalty Is Awesome

So, the other day at work I was sitting at my desk finish up some prints for something or other. The office was essentially empty, with the exception of a manager. A manager from the adjacent office walked through, and stopped to make small talk with the other. No less than a minute passed before the conversation turned to a Ford vs. Dodge argument.

Needless to say, these arguments provide me with a high level of amusement. Why? Because they never include any statistical data. They are totally subjective discussions, as they should be. People purchase vehicles based on previous experience, driving impressions, dumb statistics they read on the internet, color, aesthetics, price, and many other factors. If there was a brand that was truly inferior, it wouldn’t last long on the market at all.

What I don’t understand is, what causes brand loyalty? Can owning a product produced by Ford, Chevy, Toyota or Honda make you so blind that several years down the road when the time for a new car approaches you don’t even consider any other products? Can you become so faithful that you take time out of your day to have arguments with people of the opposite “faith” in an attempt to persuade them that you are on the right path? What instills this meaningless passion in people, especially those that use their vehicle as nothing more than an appliance?

Jesus Christ people, waste your time arguing about something else.

Life Is Good

I was on my way to a friend’s house after the July 27th Autocross, flipping through radio stations as I wasn’t from the area. I came across some sort of talk show station and decided to listen for a bit because it was A) Moderately mentally stimulating and B) Not country music. In this program, the host would ask his three or four guests their thoughts regarding somewhat “hot” topics. The first question was on the recent discovery by the U.S. Geological Survey that the Arctic may hold “up to 25 percent of the world’s undiscovered reserves**“, as ridiculous as that may sound. (see article here)

The second question, however, was in relation to the Life Is Good clothing line. The guests/consultants/idiots on this radio show seemed to believe that it was morally wrong to sell clothing with this statement/idea presented on it while the nation is at war, the economy is in a slump, and oil prices are skyrocketing.

Wait… wut?

How in the hell is any of this relevant to life being good? The shirts don’t say “The Nation is in Fantastic Shape”. They say “Life is Good”. Which it is. Even the wost of pessimists (I should know, because I am one) can see that life truly is good, regardless of these other factors. We’re all still here, doing what Americans love to do: Breathe, eat and watch reality television. What could be so bad about that?

** If you don’t see the glaring self-contradiction within this sentence, maybe you should work for the U.S. Geological Survey.